I Had A Soul
I cared.......I cared enough to risk everything I had several times.... I cared enough to run seventeen blocks to dry her tears... I cared enough to die for her. And thats what I did... I died. I am dead from the soul up. Heart? What heart? It was everything I suspected form the begining but neglected in the middle. How can you not hug-HUG!- the person you "Love more that anything in life" and havn't seen in four months? Your own boyfriend that you have hugged innumerable times? To be honest, I wasn't ready to end it. I still l*** her but she stopped l***ing me. Knives can't cut that fucking deep. It was pitty... she only said yes out of sheer pity. Evryday for four goddamn months she lied. "I L*** you soo much, *****." "I l*** you too, Jaycee." I am one of the people who thought l*** was nothing... never existed... never will. 'Till she came 'round. I knew... I fucking knew what it was. I had a soul... my eyes actually changed to a light colorful shade of brown. Now they are black... I swear to you, black. They look dialated. I knew it all along.... I have been right. I am supposed to die alone. I don't know how she feels, but there is no way in hell she can feel as bad as me. No way in hell. This may not make sense to a lot of you but reading it closley enough you understand. My hands.... my palms were hot... I reached out to hold her hands.... she rejected them. I can't feel the blood dripping off of my wrist. Knives.....knives can't cut that fucking deep. I am a shattered horrible wasted exuse for a fucking human. No one can imagine how I feel.... how wrong it felt after it was done. I'm sick.. sick and wrong. But the future comes one day at a time. Nothingness has replaced my spirit... where it onced thrived. Thank you Jaycee...... now I understand.
posted by ShadeofDeath at 10:34 PM
14 Comments:
Just in case you guys havn't noticed dark posts are bad and light posts are good.
i totally understand not feeling like reading my rambling posts! I can get carried away. As for you, I'm sorry about your relationship. Believe it or not, I understand what you're going through. 13 is young to have to go through something so big. I know it is too soon for you to realize this, but once the hurt and pain start to fade away, you'll realize that even though this girl was a bitch to you, she still gave you something great. You are so far ahead of most people your age. Already you know what it is like to love and lose. As long as you let it, this is going to make you a stronger, more mature person. The best piece of advice I can give you is to learn from this. Value every lesson that this has taught you, even if they are painful, becuase if you don't, then you really didn't get anything out of this relationship. It will take time, but eventually you'll be able to look back and be thankful for this experience, because with out the bad times, the hurt and the pain, the good time will never be as sweet.
i wish that i could say something optimistic here, about how i understand, and it'll get better. but i can't. i've never experienced love or closeness. but what i can tell you is that you do have a soul. you do have a heart. what proof do i have? that you feel this hurt. yeah, the pain'll stick with you for a long time. and yeah, you'll never forget what happened. but you can move on and not let it destroy you. i'm sorry that i don't have something beautiful like AG or helpful like Courtney Paige, but this is all i can say without lying to you. and i wish i could say that it couldn't get any worse, but that's not true cuz it can, i just hope that it doesn't. i pray that it doesn't. *sigh* don't let something as...love make you do something that cannot be undone.
ryn: EMO?!?!? *melts into a small puddle* aw, geez, dude, that's so wrong...punk is more what i am...or...gunk...poth...one of those...and no, i was not saying anything bad about goths, just that i'm not one and i'm sick of people thinking that i am just cuz i wear all black all the time.
Aahh shade... I am so very sorry to read this post. I agree with everyone. Nope. No long ass comment...well I will say.. it hurts I have been there. Yet... there will come a rainbow (hmmm is that to much color?). I mean it. You read my post and everyday me and my man have a problem. Damn I just had on this sunday that is to long for me to post.. but i will and I want you to read it...give me until Wednesday. But... someone is out there for you. Don't give up hope. Shewas wrong to say those words if she didnt mean them. but if you said them and you meant them... then thats great. U can love as much as you want to ... that part of growing up and learning. You have to get hurt to know what true love is. maybe in a month you will find it...then again...it can take years... but understand that I for one is in boring as NORFOLK , Virginia giving you a big ass CARE BEAR STARE ... so hopefully you can feel this burst of warm energy... itwill get better... trust me
and maybe you should talk to some of them females at your school. not for sex but hey one of tem might be right under your nose. and she could be the ONE!
13 years old, excuss me Courtney Paige, but I am 13 years old and I had my shit in my life than he had ever had. My mom died when I was 9 years old in 2001 and a 38 almost 39 drunken half brother moves in with us. Don't tell me about having a bad life!
I think he can handle losing a girl friend than losing his mom.
Yeah, but I think breaking up with a girl friend is less important.
And it's not as big.
Geez you were nice before.
Fuck you dude.
me? feeling alright? no. i'm not... but it'll be better after i get some good music playing. people piss me off. especially stuck up kids who think their problems are the worst in the world... and those people who feel the need to mock others to get a point across or just for their own amusement...and people who don't accept others as they are...ah, geez, now i'm rambling
I am never the one that makes a big deal out of my boobs. (Except when I'm pissed off about lewd comments that someone made about them.) In fact, most of the time I try to down play them. Only on rare occasions do I "show them off." I'm definitely not displaying them, and then getting mad when people look. I'm just sick of rude comments, being known as the girl with big tits, and the like. Imagine your penis was so big that no matter how baggy your pant were you still had a huge bulge. Ya, it'd be cool for about a week, but after that it gets kind of old.
I made a new article.
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