A Thought Crossed My Mind
For a long time I figure d that humans had been created for one purpose and one purpose only: to move things, to become the dominant species over the planet. So I was always curious as to why one's eyes water profusely when something obstructs the average thought process. I wondered how the brain worked, not enough to do research mind you, but enought o want to explore further on my theories. I believed that anger, sadness, joy, and all other emotions were just accidental. My mind was buzzng with "why does it wag its tail?", "why do her eyes water?". Thats how I am. I look at minescule details and ponder them for long periods of time.
I have been in huundreds of meaningless relationships. Not because I fear being alone, or because I am looking for Mrs. "Right" at a young age, I knew they were pointless I didnt care. It was because I feel useful. My sensitivity is good taword a females senses, I have been told so. I later decided that these girlfriends were, stupid so, the relationship section in my social life came to an abrupt hault in winter 2004. To my advantage, my G.P.A. decimated what my goal was that year.
All the while there was a girl in a few of my classes to whom I had become fond of. We hung out a lot, and we were usual science partners, but nothing more. Later on I became depressed and displeased with my homelife and it bean to interfere with my extracurricular activities. Lots of confusion and then a cousoler was involved everything was to be kept in confidence (so I was told) from the journal to write my feelings in, to cuts under my sleeve. I had this journal for three days and it felt great to have rediscovered my passion for writing. It was great until day four. I had to count one, two. There were two counselers now. I stopped writing while telling the that I was filling the pages, and venting my emotions.
I was fine with all of this. But then the sun rose on 1-31-05. The regular group of people standing in the regular standing place Jaycee (the girl from science class) decided she needed something from my purse (actually it is my back pack but it hung to my side on a single strap) and she found the journal. I begged and begged for her to just not read it and give it back but the more I asked the more her curiosity was aroused. Eventually I was talked into letting her take it home to read it.
That night I thought long and hard about Jaycee. Taking my book, going over to her house. Her constantly undermining me. The way she smiled. It was all verry confusing but I decided then that all the time I had been around her, I had a crush on her. "I'll ask her out." was the first thought across mt mind but I remembered shortly after that, all of the guys who like her. So I said "fuck it, I'll leave it to the pros." When I say "pros" I mean all of those jocks and trendy guys that liked this unathletic goth. So I decided to keep it to myself. I wrote her name 840 times on a shee of paper folded in neatly and place in my wallet. I don't know why.
So the next day the group met in the same spot, same positions and everything. She personally put the book back in my back pack. I had it for maybe 30 seconds when she took it back, ripped a page out of it, crammed it in her pocket, and put the book back in my backpack. "YES!" I thought, "This was a note that said she liked me but didn't want to tell me!" Later walking to class I told he that if she showed me her note I would give her a note I had for her (of course I was talking about the note in my wallet). She gave me the note and we went to separate classes. The note was just telling me that she carred about me and not to give up on life with suicide. She didn't like me. Oh well, it could have been worse. The next time we met I told her I didn't really have a note.
A month passed and my G.P.A. had dropped 0.4 points. We had gone to Jaycees house to do all the projects and things seemed to be going smooth. One day during March, Jaycee was sitting next to me and she saw me open to a random page in my agenda and write above a friday "Tell Her". I later decided "FUCK THAT!"
On April 15, 2005, after scool, I was on my way with Erick to his house. The day began wierd so we didn't know what to expect for the rest of the day. We sat around his house for a few hours when we decided we wanted a CD from Jaycee and since she lived right down the street we could just go get it. We get to her hous and see her sisters and cousin chillin' out in her oldest sister's, Jessica, Red Plymouth Neon. They informed us that Jaycee wasn't home so I decided to go introduce Erick to Michael, who also didn't live too far away. We got to his house and were informed by his grandmother that Michael was at his girlfiends house. Off to find Heather's house. Fuck it lets go chill with Jaycee's sisters and cousin. We get less than a block from the place and see the Neon pulling out. Thats okay. We figured that if Jaycee was at her grandmothers house, another person that lived close, they were going to go pick her up and we can catch them driving back to her dads house. We waited and.... yesss. They pulled up to us and told us they were going to be going to their mother's house in Turlock. "SHIT!" We both said this aloud after they left because we forgot to ask about the fuckin' cd.
We went back to Erick's and called people we knew and fucked witht heir heads. Maybe an hour into this I called our friend Aidon. He told us he couldn't talk cause he had Jaycee on the other line. I asked if she was on a cell phone and he said that the number that came up on his phone was her dads house. I hung up on Aidon like three scond later, and Erick and I hauled ass down to Jaycee's house. I don't know how but somehow she knew what we wanted. Anyway it was practicall a three way wrestiling match to get the cd from her.
After successfully obtaining the cd I saw belt on the floor and took it as a trophy. Erick and I got maybe a block away from the house when we looked behind us and saw Jessica's Red Neon pulling the corner, no doubt to get the belt back. Jaycee was in the back seat, her sister pulled up along side, the backdoor opened and Erick was pulled in. I ran back to Jaycee's house, and put the belt on. Soon enough Jaycee and her sister (and Erick) caught up with me I told them I threw the belt in the house and Erick and I left.
Later Erick and I were walking back to her house when Jaycee and her sister invited us to go shoplifting with them. Erick had to go home but I was up to it. How better to spend my evening then with the girl that I had a mad doing something illegal and stupid? We went, we stole, we mooned, we practically partied together. It was awesome up until about 10:00 when a fight broke loose. We fought weird then. Still do. Anyway, we were fighting about me leaving. She thought it wasn't safe for me to be out this late, but I couldn't go back to Ericks. She blocked the door. I threw her on the floor and coucches several times but she beat me to the door, even when I ran. When I finally got the door opened, I was trying to squeeze my whay through and she was pinching my between the door and doorway, my genital area was bruised, and my foot was badly damaged but when I got out I thought I was free, until she jumped on my back. I practically ate the pavement. But I finally left. She was pissed, so I felt I had to explain myself.
I was back at her house at 11:30. I was standing outside her closed bedroom door listening to her conversation with Erick about my stupidity. When she hung up, I knocked. I asked her to come outside. (her father isn't home F.Y.I.) I told her lots of stuff but in the end I told her that I l***d her (sorry but for some reason or another I can't say that word) and she was stunned.
On monday I looked in my agenda at the previous week, and there above April 15, 2005 were two words. "Tell Her"
Friday May 7, 2005, she accidentally told me how she felt about me. Monday I asked her out.
So small shit like my dumbass recollections constantly change my perspective on society and other things. I don't know what to think. I sometimes think, hey, maybe I am destin for happiness. But then a thought crossed my mind, The last time I really smiled was Monday May 9, when shesaid yes. The reason being, the next day I got suspended from school. Gofig. I'll tell you if ever break up :-)
I have been in huundreds of meaningless relationships. Not because I fear being alone, or because I am looking for Mrs. "Right" at a young age, I knew they were pointless I didnt care. It was because I feel useful. My sensitivity is good taword a females senses, I have been told so. I later decided that these girlfriends were, stupid so, the relationship section in my social life came to an abrupt hault in winter 2004. To my advantage, my G.P.A. decimated what my goal was that year.
All the while there was a girl in a few of my classes to whom I had become fond of. We hung out a lot, and we were usual science partners, but nothing more. Later on I became depressed and displeased with my homelife and it bean to interfere with my extracurricular activities. Lots of confusion and then a cousoler was involved everything was to be kept in confidence (so I was told) from the journal to write my feelings in, to cuts under my sleeve. I had this journal for three days and it felt great to have rediscovered my passion for writing. It was great until day four. I had to count one, two. There were two counselers now. I stopped writing while telling the that I was filling the pages, and venting my emotions.
I was fine with all of this. But then the sun rose on 1-31-05. The regular group of people standing in the regular standing place Jaycee (the girl from science class) decided she needed something from my purse (actually it is my back pack but it hung to my side on a single strap) and she found the journal. I begged and begged for her to just not read it and give it back but the more I asked the more her curiosity was aroused. Eventually I was talked into letting her take it home to read it.
That night I thought long and hard about Jaycee. Taking my book, going over to her house. Her constantly undermining me. The way she smiled. It was all verry confusing but I decided then that all the time I had been around her, I had a crush on her. "I'll ask her out." was the first thought across mt mind but I remembered shortly after that, all of the guys who like her. So I said "fuck it, I'll leave it to the pros." When I say "pros" I mean all of those jocks and trendy guys that liked this unathletic goth. So I decided to keep it to myself. I wrote her name 840 times on a shee of paper folded in neatly and place in my wallet. I don't know why.
So the next day the group met in the same spot, same positions and everything. She personally put the book back in my back pack. I had it for maybe 30 seconds when she took it back, ripped a page out of it, crammed it in her pocket, and put the book back in my backpack. "YES!" I thought, "This was a note that said she liked me but didn't want to tell me!" Later walking to class I told he that if she showed me her note I would give her a note I had for her (of course I was talking about the note in my wallet). She gave me the note and we went to separate classes. The note was just telling me that she carred about me and not to give up on life with suicide. She didn't like me. Oh well, it could have been worse. The next time we met I told her I didn't really have a note.
A month passed and my G.P.A. had dropped 0.4 points. We had gone to Jaycees house to do all the projects and things seemed to be going smooth. One day during March, Jaycee was sitting next to me and she saw me open to a random page in my agenda and write above a friday "Tell Her". I later decided "FUCK THAT!"
On April 15, 2005, after scool, I was on my way with Erick to his house. The day began wierd so we didn't know what to expect for the rest of the day. We sat around his house for a few hours when we decided we wanted a CD from Jaycee and since she lived right down the street we could just go get it. We get to her hous and see her sisters and cousin chillin' out in her oldest sister's, Jessica, Red Plymouth Neon. They informed us that Jaycee wasn't home so I decided to go introduce Erick to Michael, who also didn't live too far away. We got to his house and were informed by his grandmother that Michael was at his girlfiends house. Off to find Heather's house. Fuck it lets go chill with Jaycee's sisters and cousin. We get less than a block from the place and see the Neon pulling out. Thats okay. We figured that if Jaycee was at her grandmothers house, another person that lived close, they were going to go pick her up and we can catch them driving back to her dads house. We waited and.... yesss. They pulled up to us and told us they were going to be going to their mother's house in Turlock. "SHIT!" We both said this aloud after they left because we forgot to ask about the fuckin' cd.
We went back to Erick's and called people we knew and fucked witht heir heads. Maybe an hour into this I called our friend Aidon. He told us he couldn't talk cause he had Jaycee on the other line. I asked if she was on a cell phone and he said that the number that came up on his phone was her dads house. I hung up on Aidon like three scond later, and Erick and I hauled ass down to Jaycee's house. I don't know how but somehow she knew what we wanted. Anyway it was practicall a three way wrestiling match to get the cd from her.
After successfully obtaining the cd I saw belt on the floor and took it as a trophy. Erick and I got maybe a block away from the house when we looked behind us and saw Jessica's Red Neon pulling the corner, no doubt to get the belt back. Jaycee was in the back seat, her sister pulled up along side, the backdoor opened and Erick was pulled in. I ran back to Jaycee's house, and put the belt on. Soon enough Jaycee and her sister (and Erick) caught up with me I told them I threw the belt in the house and Erick and I left.
Later Erick and I were walking back to her house when Jaycee and her sister invited us to go shoplifting with them. Erick had to go home but I was up to it. How better to spend my evening then with the girl that I had a mad doing something illegal and stupid? We went, we stole, we mooned, we practically partied together. It was awesome up until about 10:00 when a fight broke loose. We fought weird then. Still do. Anyway, we were fighting about me leaving. She thought it wasn't safe for me to be out this late, but I couldn't go back to Ericks. She blocked the door. I threw her on the floor and coucches several times but she beat me to the door, even when I ran. When I finally got the door opened, I was trying to squeeze my whay through and she was pinching my between the door and doorway, my genital area was bruised, and my foot was badly damaged but when I got out I thought I was free, until she jumped on my back. I practically ate the pavement. But I finally left. She was pissed, so I felt I had to explain myself.
I was back at her house at 11:30. I was standing outside her closed bedroom door listening to her conversation with Erick about my stupidity. When she hung up, I knocked. I asked her to come outside. (her father isn't home F.Y.I.) I told her lots of stuff but in the end I told her that I l***d her (sorry but for some reason or another I can't say that word) and she was stunned.
On monday I looked in my agenda at the previous week, and there above April 15, 2005 were two words. "Tell Her"
Friday May 7, 2005, she accidentally told me how she felt about me. Monday I asked her out.
So small shit like my dumbass recollections constantly change my perspective on society and other things. I don't know what to think. I sometimes think, hey, maybe I am destin for happiness. But then a thought crossed my mind, The last time I really smiled was Monday May 9, when shesaid yes. The reason being, the next day I got suspended from school. Gofig. I'll tell you if ever break up :-)
posted by ShadeofDeath at 8:18 PM
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