A Part Of Me Is Missing

I feel lost and confused. I think this is my own fault but still, I have forgotten how to be a child. I am thirteen years old and I frown on my piers. I don't think I am higher thatn anyof them but I look a them and their sense of humor and I feel like its not them who are stupid, its me who is a little too grown up. I used to think that I was just really smart, but then I read a book (it was a long time ago, and I don't remember the tittle) about a girl who's country was in a civil war. The class did a worksheet at the end and we concluded that the girl was forced to grow up and be mature. Now I am not comparing myself to a girl in a civil war but later I read about a boy who's father was a migrant worker, and the bot was uprooted constantly, therefore the boy was to act like a man. This was something I could partiallly relate to. I have moved around a lot in my life and I think that maybe it has had its effects on me. Well what I do know for sure is thea I feel a part of me is missing. I feel like I should be a little more athletic or something. I don't seem like a geek compared to other kids but when I talk its like we speak different languages. Like when I took a quiz with my girlfriend to find the ages of our inner children, her is 6 years old and mine is 45.

Do They Come True?

Last night I went outside and laid in my backyard looking up at the stars. Wich is odd being as Riverbank insn't as birghtly lit as Modesto, yes more stars are visible here. Anyway I laid there for maybe five minutes when I say a shooting star. I was a reflex for me to close my eyes and make a wish, so I did. What I noticed last night is I ahd been making the same wish for several months on everyfalling star I had seen., and they had no effect on my life what so ever. So now I am wondering how many other peple belive in theat wish upon a star thing? I am starting to looses faith in these little traditions. But of all the things I would like to know about the people who make wishes on falling stars, I would like to know if they came true. I asked someone if they belive in wishing on a falling star and he said "What you should ask is, does it hurt to wish upon a star?" Wich is an interesting perspective. So now I'm caught in the middle and will decide soon enough.

Kill Her Yourself

Well now I don't have to kill that fucking bimbo but now I think I have adifferent body that I will be disposing of: the bitch that was having me kill the bimbo to begin with. I just finished speaking to her and she said for like the fourth time, that she didn't want the bimbo dead. Of corse I had to ask why, and she told me that her skank friend, who also wanted her dead from the start, had become "friends" with the bimbo. And apperently when the bitch told me that she wanted the bimbo dead, the last time, the bimbo was sitting right next to her!! I am fucking pissed and normally it is not in my nature to kill a female but setting me up is stepping over line! So the I asked the bitch "who cares about the skank? I can still succeed." and she says "Well no because if the bimbo dies then I will get the blame and so will you." And since I don't kow anybody over in the target zone, that means as soon as someone pinned her she was gonna narc me!! Oh shit!! So I said kill her your fucking self!!! There is but one thing on my mind right now: I WANT THEM DEAD!!!

I Am Lame

I've been reading other peoples blogs and posting. I just realized that these people lead much more interesting live that me. It makes me feel qite insignificant to read such bright and intellectual posts aabout peoples lives and doing things. Meanwhile I sit here in the 6th layer of hell rotting faster that a dead gull. I mean my life during school is smi-interesting cause I get out. But ever since I moved from the 7th layer to the 6th things have been difficult. I guess I can openly admit that I am lame, but then again, what are the reqirements to not be lame? I would really like an answer to that question. I told my girlfriend that she has an intertaining lifestyle because she does something every weekend. But she said that in comparison to y life hers is boring. She said that going out at 1 a.m. to tag the skate park is unner than going to the movies and going up to people house tod shutting of shit in the dead of night is more interesting that a dance class. I don't know .

Relief At Last

Well I talked to my girlfriend today, and everything is normal. Nothing interesting to post about. Not that anyone cares so yeah. Well I fear my domestic issue has gotten worse. And now I need to kill a chick that I hardy know and I don't mean get reallt mad at her and yell at her, I mean I have been carefully instructed to (after getting the correct adress) break into her house at night while she sleeps, gag her, bag her head, tie her arms and legs to the bedposts and slice through the tendons in her palms all the way down to her elbows. Gonna be scary hearing her attempts to scream. But she is only getting what was coming to her. She may not be like my ex-best friend but I know her enough to know that I wanted to kill her before I was assigned to. Well I am gonna need a lot of oral support. No idea where I am gonna get it thought. Everyone I have told that I am gonna do this doesn't blieve me. Oh well check the obituaries. Heh heh

Wait, What Time Is It?

I am bored beyond all fucking reason right now. No one is on AIM, the only thing in my e-mail is porn, and no one is commenting. I like meeting new people but it is hard. I miss Riverbank. I had friends there. We would be doing something interesting right now. Modesto sucks. Can I get a "whoop, whoop"? Eh fuck you then. I am having a sever domestic issue and I think my friend is gonna kill herself. No point in me going to bed. I can't sleep when I am thinking of my girlfriend. But sadly I am not an insomniac. I get tired around midnight, crash at two, but don't actually sleep untill six a.m. This sucks, and here it is almost two in the morning, and I have no fucking ciggaretts. Goddamn, this is why I poke holes in my face. But my mother still wonders why I have a pierced eyebrow. Wait. what time is it? Ah fuck it, I'll probably post this evening.

Something Isn't Right

Jaycee called me at 11:45 last night, from a paypone. I don't know why, I was forced to hang up. Almost everyone she hung out or was with alot had a cell phine so, she must have been on her own. The part I was baffled about was the fact that she was calling me from a payphone. She may have run away, but why? She was living with her mother now, what could possibly happen? Then again, her mom's boyfriend is a dickhead so he may have said something. I really wanted to call her mom and ask what she knew, but chances were she was out screwing. Then I wanted to call her sister but chances were she was asleep. Oh well shit always blows over with Jaycee. But I am bothered on why we have slowly been loosing contact. We usually talked everyday for more than an hour. The last time I spoke to her was two days ago after a four day space out. This is starting to bug me.

A Thought Crossed My Mind

For a long time I figure d that humans had been created for one purpose and one purpose only: to move things, to become the dominant species over the planet. So I was always curious as to why one's eyes water profusely when something obstructs the average thought process. I wondered how the brain worked, not enough to do research mind you, but enought o want to explore further on my theories. I believed that anger, sadness, joy, and all other emotions were just accidental. My mind was buzzng with "why does it wag its tail?", "why do her eyes water?". Thats how I am. I look at minescule details and ponder them for long periods of time.
I have been in huundreds of meaningless relationships. Not because I fear being alone, or because I am looking for Mrs. "Right" at a young age, I knew they were pointless I didnt care. It was because I feel useful. My sensitivity is good taword a females senses, I have been told so. I later decided that these girlfriends were, stupid so, the relationship section in my social life came to an abrupt hault in winter 2004. To my advantage, my G.P.A. decimated what my goal was that year.
All the while there was a girl in a few of my classes to whom I had become fond of. We hung out a lot, and we were usual science partners, but nothing more. Later on I became depressed and displeased with my homelife and it bean to interfere with my extracurricular activities. Lots of confusion and then a cousoler was involved everything was to be kept in confidence (so I was told) from the journal to write my feelings in, to cuts under my sleeve. I had this journal for three days and it felt great to have rediscovered my passion for writing. It was great until day four. I had to count one, two. There were two counselers now. I stopped writing while telling the that I was filling the pages, and venting my emotions.
I was fine with all of this. But then the sun rose on 1-31-05. The regular group of people standing in the regular standing place Jaycee (the girl from science class) decided she needed something from my purse (actually it is my back pack but it hung to my side on a single strap) and she found the journal. I begged and begged for her to just not read it and give it back but the more I asked the more her curiosity was aroused. Eventually I was talked into letting her take it home to read it.
That night I thought long and hard about Jaycee. Taking my book, going over to her house. Her constantly undermining me. The way she smiled. It was all verry confusing but I decided then that all the time I had been around her, I had a crush on her. "I'll ask her out." was the first thought across mt mind but I remembered shortly after that, all of the guys who like her. So I said "fuck it, I'll leave it to the pros." When I say "pros" I mean all of those jocks and trendy guys that liked this unathletic goth. So I decided to keep it to myself. I wrote her name 840 times on a shee of paper folded in neatly and place in my wallet. I don't know why.
So the next day the group met in the same spot, same positions and everything. She personally put the book back in my back pack. I had it for maybe 30 seconds when she took it back, ripped a page out of it, crammed it in her pocket, and put the book back in my backpack. "YES!" I thought, "This was a note that said she liked me but didn't want to tell me!" Later walking to class I told he that if she showed me her note I would give her a note I had for her (of course I was talking about the note in my wallet). She gave me the note and we went to separate classes. The note was just telling me that she carred about me and not to give up on life with suicide. She didn't like me. Oh well, it could have been worse. The next time we met I told her I didn't really have a note.
A month passed and my G.P.A. had dropped 0.4 points. We had gone to Jaycees house to do all the projects and things seemed to be going smooth. One day during March, Jaycee was sitting next to me and she saw me open to a random page in my agenda and write above a friday "Tell Her". I later decided "FUCK THAT!"
On April 15, 2005, after scool, I was on my way with Erick to his house. The day began wierd so we didn't know what to expect for the rest of the day. We sat around his house for a few hours when we decided we wanted a CD from Jaycee and since she lived right down the street we could just go get it. We get to her hous and see her sisters and cousin chillin' out in her oldest sister's, Jessica, Red Plymouth Neon. They informed us that Jaycee wasn't home so I decided to go introduce Erick to Michael, who also didn't live too far away. We got to his house and were informed by his grandmother that Michael was at his girlfiends house. Off to find Heather's house. Fuck it lets go chill with Jaycee's sisters and cousin. We get less than a block from the place and see the Neon pulling out. Thats okay. We figured that if Jaycee was at her grandmothers house, another person that lived close, they were going to go pick her up and we can catch them driving back to her dads house. We waited and.... yesss. They pulled up to us and told us they were going to be going to their mother's house in Turlock. "SHIT!" We both said this aloud after they left because we forgot to ask about the fuckin' cd.
We went back to Erick's and called people we knew and fucked witht heir heads. Maybe an hour into this I called our friend Aidon. He told us he couldn't talk cause he had Jaycee on the other line. I asked if she was on a cell phone and he said that the number that came up on his phone was her dads house. I hung up on Aidon like three scond later, and Erick and I hauled ass down to Jaycee's house. I don't know how but somehow she knew what we wanted. Anyway it was practicall a three way wrestiling match to get the cd from her.
After successfully obtaining the cd I saw belt on the floor and took it as a trophy. Erick and I got maybe a block away from the house when we looked behind us and saw Jessica's Red Neon pulling the corner, no doubt to get the belt back. Jaycee was in the back seat, her sister pulled up along side, the backdoor opened and Erick was pulled in. I ran back to Jaycee's house, and put the belt on. Soon enough Jaycee and her sister (and Erick) caught up with me I told them I threw the belt in the house and Erick and I left.
Later Erick and I were walking back to her house when Jaycee and her sister invited us to go shoplifting with them. Erick had to go home but I was up to it. How better to spend my evening then with the girl that I had a mad doing something illegal and stupid? We went, we stole, we mooned, we practically partied together. It was awesome up until about 10:00 when a fight broke loose. We fought weird then. Still do. Anyway, we were fighting about me leaving. She thought it wasn't safe for me to be out this late, but I couldn't go back to Ericks. She blocked the door. I threw her on the floor and coucches several times but she beat me to the door, even when I ran. When I finally got the door opened, I was trying to squeeze my whay through and she was pinching my between the door and doorway, my genital area was bruised, and my foot was badly damaged but when I got out I thought I was free, until she jumped on my back. I practically ate the pavement. But I finally left. She was pissed, so I felt I had to explain myself.
I was back at her house at 11:30. I was standing outside her closed bedroom door listening to her conversation with Erick about my stupidity. When she hung up, I knocked. I asked her to come outside. (her father isn't home F.Y.I.) I told her lots of stuff but in the end I told her that I l***d her (sorry but for some reason or another I can't say that word) and she was stunned.
On monday I looked in my agenda at the previous week, and there above April 15, 2005 were two words. "Tell Her"
Friday May 7, 2005, she accidentally told me how she felt about me. Monday I asked her out.
So small shit like my dumbass recollections constantly change my perspective on society and other things. I don't know what to think. I sometimes think, hey, maybe I am destin for happiness. But then a thought crossed my mind, The last time I really smiled was Monday May 9, when shesaid yes. The reason being, the next day I got suspended from school. Gofig. I'll tell you if ever break up :-)

On a Scale of 1-10

On a scale of 1-10 is a post where I say a senence and you post with an answere such as someone answering sentence 2 with a 6 on the scale your post would be "2. 6" and feel free to coment!
On A Scale Of 1-10
1. How insecure do you have to be to label date and time everythng you write or type 7/22/05 6:52 PM? 1=secure

2.How smart do you have to be to have broken casted fingers, annmdf attyem,pt typ[iong? 1=stupid

3.How long will it take George bush to figure out that he can't hear Chenny bcause the phone is upside down? 10 = he won't

4. How fucked up will your leg be after kicking a baboon? 1= it won't attack (duh)

5. How bored are you right now, I mean you are reading and answering pointless questions. 1= I occupy my time like this
DON"T FORGET TO POST!!

Excuse me, I have a question

A few days ago my brother and I were in a loud argument on "the meaning of life". He says that he would like to be immortal, so that he can find the meaning of life. He belives that the only reason man hasn't discovere the meaning of life is because no one has lived long enough. I say that it doesn't matter how long you live because there is a scientific answer to the question "What is the meaning of life?". Isn't it clear? There is no meaning of life. All living things are the way they are because of mutation in genetics and the position of the earth from the sun. "Earth and sun?" The only reason bacteria was able to spawn is because of meteors that have pounded the earth in it's earlier years. These meteors brought with them germs and such, and with proper temperature and humidity and water and things life was born. Gee Patrick you really have to live fo 263 years to figure that out. Redwoods live for hundreds of years, go ask for their opinions. Please post your opinion on this topic and if you have a blog or site post it too, I would like to visit.